Both Sides of the Coin

I have an acquaintance, which shall remained unnamed, who suffers from all that is associated with a family member being brutally murdered. When I am with my friend I do a lot of head-nodding, I say, "uh-huh," I truly feel pain for my friend but it would be ludicrous for me to say, "I know how you feel." I don't know the load of this burden & I pray I never do.

As much as I believe forgiveness is a necessity for salvation, (Jesus said, "If you don't forgive men their trespasses your heavenly Father will not forgive you...") I'm at a loss to look such suffering people in the eye & say, "You must forgive that murderer." I hope that I would if I were in that position. I hope I would not sink into the black hole of anger & malice. The pain of sliding down into the Hole of Hate is, I know, as awful as the pain of loss itself. I've seen those consumed by hate resort to pills & booze. I've seen marriages ruined because of an ever consuming need for revenge. I've seen children's futures ruined because their parents were eaten up by hate & anger.

And though I can utter the words, "The Bible says to forgive," I can't personally, within myself, understand how difficult it must be to forgive someone who killed your flesh & blood. Also, how can a person not FEEL disgust toward such a murderer? I can't help when I feel happiness. I can't help when I feel sadness. How can people not feel anger?

The conclusion I've come to is that while we can't help how we feel, we can help how we behave. One of the behaviors we can allow to become a habit is that every time we feel that unbidden anger rise up we can, right then & there, hit our knees & ask God to help us feel differently. For God would not tell us to do something that is impossible. If we are to forgive such atrocities, surely he will step in & help where we have no control. Also, whereas we cannot control a feeling we can control our thought patterns.

The Bible tells us to "gird up the loins of our mind." When you think of the word "gird" remember that its short for "girdle". What's the purpose of a girdle? To restrain. Of course the word "loins" has to do with a man's reproductive system. So we must "restrain the reproduction of our thoughts." If a man sees a tall, shapely woman he can't help but think, "She's beautiful." But if he allows his thoughts to dwell on that woman, even though he may not even know her name, if he does not control his thought processes he'll find himself, as Jesus said, committing adultery in his heart. So be they thoughts of lust or hate, our thought patterns MUST be altered to that which is good.

Usually those feelings of hate & anger come after an unbidden thought. A thought pattern may go something like this:
"This was Bethany's favorite flower. I'd spend my entire paycheck buying out this store if she were still with us."
Without ever thinking about the killer the feelings of hate come simply because of thinking about the loss of the loved one. So, what's a person to do? Never think about their loved one again? NO! (I can't stress that enough. Its healthy to think about & shed tears over the loss of a loved one.) But instead when you think about them & realize the anger that you're feeling START DIRECTING YOUR THOUGHTS ON PURPOSE. Think:
"This was Bethany's favorite flower. I'd spend my entire paycheck buying out this store if she were still with us." The unbidden feeling comes. "Bethany liked to put these flowers in her bedroom window. I'm going to honor Bethany right now. Who do I know that is sick? I'm going to buy this flower & take it to them."
This thought process made you aware of other's pain besides your own. This thought process gave honor to & focus on the loved one while distracting your emotions from the deep-seated pangs of hate.

Also, lest we lose our balance in the realm of forgiveness, dare I bring up that there are two sides to every coin. While Jesus did say, "Turn the other cheek," & "Forgive those who spitefully use you", & we know he himself said while dying on the cross, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." We should not forget that forgiving someone for what they did to you, & forgiving someone for what they did to someone you love MAY be different. (Goodness, am I messing with traditional "forgiveness doctrines"!) Indeed, we find Jesus "taking care of business" when certain Temple officials were abusing the people Jesus loved. They were doing more than abusing the people Jesus loved, they were abusing His rules! Jesus DID NOT look at that situation & say, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Rather he made himself a whip & took matters into his own hand! (Ouch!)

I admit (& it may be obvious) that I don't know all the hows, whys, & whats about forgiveness; but I do want to be right with God. I want my friend to be right with God. I ultimately told my friend that I felt the only course of action in dealing with the anger felt toward this murderer was to daily ask God's mercy be present, to ask him to help with the myriad feelings, to "gird up the loins of the mind", & to speak openly & honestly with the Creator. God can can do miracles with honesty.

"God, help us be more like you. When we are weak you are strong. Help me to know the balance of how to forgive & how to stand for what's right. What is humanity that you think about us & want to spend time with us? Thank you for your help & involvement in our lives. In Jesus' name, Amen."