Center of Focus

I've wanted to be a mother my whole life... I actually didn't play with baby dolls much when I was a little girl. I had them. But I only remember playing with them when my friends Dede & Suzy Hill came over. Now THEY were INTO dollies! They made playing with dolls fun! But when they'd leave my dolls would get put away and I'd go back to my staple pretend game, Barbies.

But as a tweenie & teen there were certain people I'd overhear talk about their children. I could hear the pride in their voices when they'd tell about their children's performances at recitals or plays. I could hear the worry in their tones when they'd confide to my mother something naughty their child had done. Overhearing these conversations gave me a sense that parenting was an adventure! A game! And my own parents made being a parent seem downright FUN! Every Monday was set aside for family time. I thought this was because they loved being with us kids so much! And I'm sure they did, but as an adult with a busy schedule, & my own hobbies, & my own friends I can see that while they did enjoy the family time, it was more so an act of responsibility than merely pleasure. But they really made being a parent look so fun!

My parents made a bike rental day where my 9 year old brother got so angry at the strain of the GA hills that he literally chucked his bike in the ditch seem like so much fun! They made treating a sick child seem so effortless. We called my dad "Dr Varnum" because he always did such a great job tending to our boo-boos. They made handling rebellion seem like a walk in the park. They made teaching their children to work for God seem like a no-brainer.

I had some really great ideas planted in my mind about parenthood from the very beginning of my life.

Now I'm a parent.

It's haaaard! [so said with a whine]

To have a human being in your care that you have to navigate from birth to adulthood without planting seeds of negativity, without teaching them your bad traits, without being a wimp... Whew! I need a nap!

In truth I've LOVED every stage of parenting. When they were newborns I embraced all the difficulties of it. I didn't fight it. I loved nursing, I loved diapers, I loved rocking. I loved, loved, loved teaching those babies! It was astounding to me how I could write ANYTHING on those clean slates! I used sign language with them, and they signed right back! I never spoke "baby talk" to my kids. Straight, clear pronunciation. And when they started talking and began enunciating ev-er-y syllable I was SO proud! I didn't want them to think prayer was a bunch of meaningless repetition so I prayed very clear prayers in front of them, that's what they prayed right back. I could go on & on but I'll spare you.

I was pondering yesterday what is hard about raising children. Why do some parents seem to do it so effortlessly and others seem to struggle with it. Truth is I don't know exactly! (I know that surprises you because you thought I was the parent guru. NOT!) But I DO KNOW what's made it hard at times for me; lack of focus.

As long as my kids are in the center of my focus and life as it happens is in my peripheral, then I do a pretty good job and my kids thrive the best. But when I let work, friends, travel, money, and any of the other millions of things that can distract us take center stage, parenting gets hard.

I think this happens because we teach our children a few things, they seem to be on a roll, working their newly learned habits with the consistency of a clock, then we think, "Ok. They've got this!" And we start letting our focus turn to a hobby, or a social life, or a personal goal... Then that clock-work-über-responsible child makes a "splash" with a bad text, or trouble in school, or a relationship and we're suddenly dealing with clean up wondering where we went wrong and why parenting is so hard!

Am I saying that we parents can't fulfill the needs in our life? Am I saying we shouldn't have a social life, or shouldn't pursue lifelong dreams? Absolutely NOT!

But I am saying that we should have a system in place that consistently, daily brings our focus back to our children. My parents were amazing at this! They involved us in the pursuit of their dreams and life goals! My mother is a singer, but she didn't just sing. She would bring me on the stage with her as a three year old to sing a verse and a chorus. My dad is a preacher. He didn't just preach. He took us with him all over the country. He'd ask us... US... We five and nine year olds, "What should I preach?" Did we LIKE going to camp meeting after camp meeting in our summers? Actually, yes. But not because we were so spiritual we loved church night after night. It was because my parents would take us to the closest amusement park, or outdoor drama. And did we like that as a pastor everybody-and-their-brother had our dad's time at the ring of a phone? Honestly, my parents did such a great job keeping us their focus that we didn't realize it.

So as my children delve deeper into their teenage years I'm taking this time to remind myself that being a parent isn't what's hard. Keeping them as the center of my focus is what's hard. Go to college, write a book, start a company, be a superhero if you want to! But let's not forget that our greatest sense of satisfaction, or our most profound sense of loss is wrapped up tightly, woven inexplicably in those offspring of ours.

So make them think parenting is the most amazing experience in our lives. Let's make our babies, our toddlers, our tweenies, and teens feel that the most exciting part of their life will not be making money, or starting corporations, or recording CDs... But that there's NOTHING cooler and more fulfilling in the WORLD than being a parent.

...because of course, there isn't.